What is conscious parenting?
Conscious parenting is about empowering you, as the parent, to make decisions that are best for your child. As a parent, we are bombarded with messages about what we ‘should’ be doing in raising our children and if it sounds like it’s impossible to consciously parent, given the systems and the social expectations that we have to operate within for a large part of our lives, then I hope this will help you to see opportunities for this, in between, or maybe even instead of those.
Conscious parenting is being more aware and being able to make choices rather than operating from a place of fear and reaction. It’s feeling that you have enough regulation to look beneath your child’s behaviour to see what the need actually is and then respond in a way that feels good to you and meets the need for your child.
So often we don’t have enough regulation ourselves to be able to make choices – our nervous system reacts to the noise, the chaos, the ‘attitude’, the behaviour that we see in our child or teen that triggers us for some reason. We can’t seem to feel anything other than upset, disrespected, embarrassed, angry, and then we react – by shouting, threatening, punishing and all the other things that make us feel so awful and don’t actually bring changes in our family – well they do, but not the positive changes we expect them to!
What are the benefits?
The benefits of conscious parenting is that we have enough capacity to be more curious about what our child or teen’s behaviour is showing us about what they’re feeling and experiencing. It means we can respond to that, so that they are supported and this builds trust and connection rather than instilling fear or mistrust.
When we parent this way, there are so many benefits for ourselves too. We can feel that we are having a relationship with our child rather than just managing their behaviour from one incident to the next, which leaves everyone feeling disconnected. When we build more regulation in ourselves, it spills over into other areas other than parenting too, and we can feel happier at work and within other relationships. Win, win!
What are the challenges?
And just because it has so many benefits doesn’t mean that it’s easy or that we’ll get it right every time – the guarantee is that we won’t! We are human too and this will mean that sometimes we are just triggered and we do react and get angry and punish…but the beauty of parenting consciously is that we can go back to our child and apologise for where we got it wrong and rebuild that trust and connection. And that shows our child that this is how humans are, and they have permission to mess up and then redo it too.
Conscious parenting means that we have to build more regulation for ourselves FIRST. We have to have enough ability to behave and respond consciously to our child. We have to be the one to calm down first and bring calm to our child’s nervous system too. Caring for ourselves first, is never selfish, it is actually the only way that we can be what our child or teen needs, as they are growing and learning.
What is the difference between traditional parenting and conscious parenting?
Traditional parenting is based on changing the behaviour of our child or teen, to make them comply with what we think they should be doing, rather than being curious and finding out what the reason is that they are struggling to do something or experience something in a certain way. Conscious parenting acknowledges that we change the environment first, not the child.
Unfortunately, our society also has a view that making a child feel bad about themselves or what they are doing will be enough to get them to change their behaviour. What we now understand is that the worse someone feels and the more shame they have, the less likely they are to be able to change their behaviour and experience. We now know that feeling seen and heard is the way to help our child or teen feel safe enough to try another way or expand their experience, if that’s what is best for them, and we as their parents, have the privilege and the responsibility to create that feeling of safety for them.
How do you practice conscious parenting?
To practise conscious parenting, we start with ourselves and we consider what we’re bringing to our relationship with our child. We aim to regulate or own nervous system enough to be consciously present for them, with understanding and compassion and the ability to help them learn skills and develop their abilities.
It also means that we’re conscious enough to be compassionate with ourselves as a human being with a nervous system that has experiences and is doing it’s best. Somehow parenting brings up all the things that we haven’t dealt with for ourselves! The willingness to do things differently and in a way that works best for our child and our family, rather than having to follow what ‘everyone’ else seems to be doing, is a huge step on this journey.
Examples of conscious parenting
In children
When our child loses their PE kit at school – again – it can really trigger us – the cost, the inconvenience, the fact that we’ve told them so many times! A conscious parent may feel this for a moment and then have enough regulation to consider that their child’s executive functions are still very much developing, they may already feel anxious about being at school so may not be thinking clearly as their emotions are overwhelming; they are not doing this on purpose to annoy us.
But at the same time, we want to help them develop their skills around organisation. We make it clear we want to help them so that this doesn’t have to be a problem, and then we collaborate with them to come up with an actionable plan. And when they lose it again – which is quite likely – we go back to it with them and review and redo so that we can come up with another plan and we keep scaffolding to develop their skills and will make them feel more capable and confident in their own abilities.
In teenagers
And when our teen doesn’t message us at the agreed time and then seems so indifferent to our concern – it can certainly trigger us – the worry, the attitude, the lack of respect when we’ve explained our concerns! A conscious parent may well feel all of these things and have enough regulation to be able to understand that their teen’s executive function skills are also still not fully developed and so prioritising the things that we do, is not easy for them; they’re so invested in feeling that they belong in their friendship group that we are not actually top of mind for them; they are not doing this to worry us or to be disrespectful.
But we also want to help them to understand that their actions do affect others and realising that is part of maturing; we want them to have the skill to do the important things when necessary and staying in touch may be part of the trust we give them when they go out alone. And when they have struggled to do what was asked, we collaborate and ask them what would make it easier to meet this expectation, not with threats of losing privileges, but perhaps with a natural consequence in place. But always with a message of connection and support, to help them develop the skills they need.
Conscious parenting is not letting go of all boundaries and giving children and teens permission to do what they want, on their terms. They most certainly want a capable captain of the family ship, but they also want to be heard and to be a part of the decision making when appropriate. They want to know that when they mess up, they can come to you, for direction and support.
How can you start your journey toward conscious parenting?
Becoming a more conscious parent is a journey across the lifetime of being a parent. We can just think we have it sussed, and our child faces a different challenge or behaves in a different way, and we have to go back to the drawing board. But that is exactly what conscious parenting is, being willing to learn and grow and do it differently ourselves, so that we can parent and support in a way that works best for our family.
You can explore the opportunities to parent your child or teen more consciously through our conscious parenting online course which talks about getting curious, giving choices and collaborating with your child or teen and most of all focusing on building a stronger connection with them. It also talks about repairing when things don’t go as we’d hoped they would and looking after yourself so that you have the capacity to make conscious choices in the way you respond when challenges come up.
You are also welcome to talk to me, Shelley – the Founder of Complex Connexions, about your specific concerns or difficulties – conscious parenting will always come into it; it’s the foundation of all that we do. You can book a free, 30 minute chat with me, here.
